wandering...

you know that place...

in that place between dreams and reality, i almost find my way.  plans come together, people work together, the idealist inside sees what could be.  

returning back to the waking world disappoints me, yet allows the dreams to come to life with all the other players involved.  sometimes we almost get it right, like the rehearsal in my head.  my courage fails me more often than not though.  i have been told i am scared to live.  maybe i am afraid of my own choices.

things we do can enrich the lives of others.  reaching out to fulfill that sometimes we forget to enrich our own.  we all live together and can help each other live full lives together.  it is getting kinda lonely again, too much time spend inside my own head.  time to rejoin the world of the living and participate...

looking at today...

there is this filter that usually exists somewhere between my head and the rest of the world.  it lets in somethings and lets out some things, but usually does a good job of keeping the peace.  it broke today...

hopefully sleeping tonight will be as healing as they say it is...because i feel like a horrible person since about mid day. 

now the interesting question is...is this really me?  or is it a part of me that i have to learn to live with...

glee...

hulu was finally kind enough to allow me to watch the first episode of Glee. sometimes it is the smallest things that remind you about yourself. never having a good voice, i rarely sing anything for any reason...but this show reminds me of how much i love to hear singing and music.

volunteering at the community theater back in...a long time ago was such a busy but happy time for me. I got to see people perform and hear music and singing 3 nights a week for a month...4 times a year. Hiding up on the rail backstage...it was the best seat in the place to watch over everything and let the world wash away for a few hours.

the show tells me to do what i love...what ever that may be...yet i do not remember what that is anymore. i should start reading again i think...it has been a while.

missing

something is missing.  something i had before...i think...and it has gone away.  unable to describe that which is lost, mostly because it is not something that can be found lying around on the ground, does not help the cause. 

wow, thinking about stuff late at night is not a good pastime for me.

sacrifice or lack of strength
understanding or undecided
flexible or non committal
quiet or scared
determined or stubborn
the list can go on for a while...

hit another moment where i considered using my simple, basic, 3 step process to get through the confusion...

1. find wall
2. hit head against wall
3. repeat step 1 and 2 until it makes sense or you are out cold

this was shortly followed by a wtf have i done in the last 12 years moment...which made me think about starting at step 1.

i am very happy for all of the wonderful people i have been lucky enough to know throughout my life so far, they are all doing well in their own way.  with any luck i will continue to meet people that i can enjoy being around and learn something from.  kinda wish i did well in a school environment...i think that could make a big difference in my life choices...

triggers...

for what ever reason, i like to watch musicals.  mostly the TV versions, since i do not get out to the theater much.
grease
west side story
flower drum song
annie
showboat
chicago
the list goes on for a while...

this brings me to "Mamma Mia!" which i just recently saw some of.  i guess i have to admit that i like ABBA too at this point >.<

anyway, during the show they reach a part where the young lady getting married is confused beyond reason about who she should ask to give her away at her wedding. she has three maybe fathers that all want to do it, but she could not figure out what to do.  she seemed to finally see that it had to be her mother, the only real parent she had her whole life.  and then it hit me...

when my sister gets married, our father will not be there to give her away...

and then i cried...

wash away the memories

sit down and prepare yourself for a trip that you may not want to take...because it breaks open parts of your heart and your mind which have not been dusted off for some time.  torrential downpour is scheduled for later...perhaps...but be aware and tread lightly, do not slip and fall along the way. 

take your favorite massive online networking site, which ever flavor you choose, and find some of your friends.  have a look see at their friends, some of which you will know.  they will lead you to other misplaced names and faces...ones that will spark memories that may send you through every documented emotion, and a few that can not even be recognized or put to words. 

i took a little trip there myself a while ago, and found so many people... like pieces of my heart that were missing for ages...which reminded me of who i am.  each person i ran across, they had the same smile i remembered.  so many of them had their own families, new faces in the world with smiles that reflect those that i remembered making everything shine brighter.  it was nice...and i will travel there again some time.

a few tears, and some of those memories slip back away... a few more and faces fade, smiles shining in the night.  voices trail away, laughter and stories that will be remembered again some day. 

i can not do this every night, but once in a while...it is nice to go and visit memories

lucid dreaming

hearing more about dreams lately, i started looking more at things that friends have remembered about their dreams and how they felt through it all.  it seems that many of them have had dreams where they were vividly aware that they were dreaming, and became more of an active part in the dream.

instead of watching what was happening, some of them feel like they were controlling what was going on in their dream.  interacting with the world instead of the world acting to drive them the way it wanted.  it spooks me that we can control things while we are asleep, or at least our mind can make us feel in control.

recently a restless night produced a strange series of events in my dreams, and for what ever reason each time i thought i passed back out i was thrown back into the same storyline in my dream...like i wanted or needed it to play out before i could wake up.  i do not think that i controlled anything at all that night, just followed the script and played my role in what ever production was taking place. 

it makes me wonder if you see your true self in dreams.  you have nothing to hide from yourself...for the most part...so is what you see truly what you are made of?  when the lights went out on the street and i was getting chased...was that my fears?  getting beat up trying to help a friend...was that how i would handle the situation?  what in the world am i supposed to learn about myself from these things that go on in my head.  it isn't just entertainment...i hope...

turmoil

for the last two months i have been on an emotional and mental roller coaster ride that has broken away my once strong emotional armor and most of my plans and dreams for the future.  i have had to reassess so much so quickly, and even now i avoid making decisions that have been too long in waiting.  yet the world spins, time turns over to a new day, and i wake to a world that is different than i last left it...how am i expected to have some sense of control when i know that everything goes on and it takes me along with it.

that leaves me here at 3:45ish attempting for the second time to make some sense of what it is keeping me awake tonight.  the time zone shift...bad pizza...memories...and a host of equally likely offenders has me here at the keys.

Little Brother

Cory Doctorow

this book was handed to me a few days before i got on a plane, and is an interesting read.  the thought that it is one of the possible futures we may find oursleves in shortly is a bit disturbing, but it promotes awareness and thought about things we take for granted and what it would be like if it was all taken away. 

the book is not for everyone, but it struck a chord with me and i am glad for the librarian who handed it to me.  it is amazing how some people just know what book would draw you in and resonate deeply with your thoughts, feelings, and interests.

just got hit with an interesting memory.  some people have a power of perception that is just this side of spooky.  granted, i freely admit that after high school people could easily read my eyes since i learned to let my self relax a bit and break down some walls... which gave rise to expressive eye. unfortunate dislike of sunglasses makes for more fun and games for me.  i just have to pay attention more i guess.

anyways, someone who i knew for a few months asked me what was up with me, what was my story.  they said something about you don't become a peacekeeper/guardian just because...something must have made me that way.  i never thought about things in that light and i thought they were right off.  but...sometimes it takes that extra perspective to pick out these things...and then the honesty and strength to pass on that odd, bare observation to someone.  i am glad for it because it made me thing a LOT about how i acted and why i choose things i have chosen over the last...well a damn long time.   i wonder if i would still be seen in that light if i was lucky enough to be reevaluated today by that same person. 

makes me wonder what progression through life could be about.  am i too old to do things that i do, or too young for some of them?  does my mind flow quick and agile, picking up new things at breakneck speed or has it taken to a more smooth, steady, methodical pace pounding out the good and well worn path...am i brave enough to know when i need to shift into one mode or the other to further my goals...

i do find it silly that while some people drunk call people, drunk blog, drunk text, or what ever they may be doing when less than up to the challenge, i just need to be tired enough to let my thoughts seep out with a very minimal filter on them.  thank goodness for the night. 

turmoil

for the last two months i have been on an emotional and mental roller coaster ride that has broken away my once strong emotional armor and most of my plans and dreams for the future.  i have had to reassess so much so quickly, and even now i avoid making decisions that have been too long in waiting.  yet the world spins, time turns over to a new day, and i wake to a world that is different than i last left it...how am i expected to have some sense of control when i know that everything goes on and it takes me along with it.

that leaves me here at 3:45ish attempting for the second time to make some sense of what it is keeping me awake tonight.  the time zone shift...bad pizza...memories...and a host of equally likely offenders has me here at the keys.

Little Brother

Cory Doctorow

this book was handed to me a few days before i got on a plane, and is an interesting read.  the thought that it is one of the possible futures we may find oursleves in shortly is a bit disturbing, but it promotes awareness and thought about things we take for granted and what it would be like if it was all taken away. 

the book is not for everyone, but it struck a chord with me and i am glad for the librarian who handed it to me.  it is amazing how some people just know what book would draw you in and resonate deeply with your thoughts, feelings, and interests.

just got hit with an interesting memory.  some people have a power of perception that is just this side of spooky.  granted, i freely admit that after high school people could easily read my eyes since i learned to let my self relax a bit and break down some walls... which gave rise to expressive eye. unfortunate dislike of sunglasses makes for more fun and games for me.  i just have to pay attention more i guess.

anyways, someone who i knew for a few months asked me what was up with me, what was my story.  they said something about you don't become a peacekeeper/guardian just because...something must have made me that way.  i never thought about things in that light and i thought they were right off.  but...sometimes it takes that extra perspective to pick out these things...and then the honesty and strength to pass on that odd, bare observation to someone.  i am glad for it because it made me thing a LOT about how i acted and why i choose things i have chosen over the last...well a damn long time.   i wonder if i would still be seen in that light if i was lucky enough to be reevaluated today by that same person. 

makes me wonder what progression through life could be about.  am i too old to do things that i do, or too young for some of them?  does my mind flow quick and agile, picking up new things at breakneck speed or has it taken to a more smooth, steady, methodical pace pounding out the good and well worn path...am i brave enough to know when i need to shift into one mode or the other to further my goals...

i do find it silly that while some people drunk call people, drunk blog, drunk text, or what ever they may be doing when less than up to the challenge, i just need to be tired enough to let my thoughts seep out with a very minimal filter on them.  thank goodness for the night. 

always late....

(Kotaro Oshio) Cherry Blossom Time - Sungha Jung